The Power of Peace, Holding the Light

Last night, after seeing a movie, I went to Mont-Royal metro to meet with a friend for a drink. When I got onto the Orange line at Berri, there was some drama unfolding. A young guy (ball cap) and an older drunk man were hurling threats and insults at each other from across the metro car. Finally, Ball Cap had had enough and put his headphones on, drowning out the older man who was still yelling. When I got out at Mont-Royal, so did they, but another young man joined in (hoodie). The two young men crowded the older man against the wall, threatening to beat his ass, while the older man stood his ground and postured against them. When I came up to them, I could smell the alcohol coming off the older man. I got between them and told the young guys to back off, telling the older man that they weren't worth his rage. Ball Cap said he wasn't going to jail for this fool and tried to storm off. Unbelievably, Hoodie ran after him and tried to goad him into fighting the old man. When that didn't work, he ran back to the older man to insult him and tried to goad him into attacking Ball Cap. By now, we're on the escalator going up and I'm standing between the older man, Hoodie (still goading), and Ball Cap who was still yelling threats back, but still trying to put some distance between him and the older man. He reached out and snatched the old man's toque and threw it down the stairs, presumably as a distraction so that he could put more distance between them. Hoodie was telling me to mind my own business, that the older man had insulted him, and somebody needed to pay. "C'mon man, leave the old guy alone. He's old enough to be your grandfather and I guarantee you he's seen more horrible things in the last 10 years than you have seen in your lifetime!" This seemed to soften Hoodie somewhat, especially the "grandfather" bit. He pushed past us both, muttering "You're lucky that this guy [me] was here, or we would have beat your old man ass." Once we got out, the young men were gone and the old man was still raging. I tried to calm him down, but he stormed back into the metro (which I assumed was to get his hat). Once the adrenaline wore off, I ducked into alleyway and had a bit of a cry. This altercation was incredibly scary and I was convinced the entire time that fists or knives were going to come out and I'd be caught in the middle. But I could not walk away. I'm telling you all this to highlight the idea that most conflicts can be de-escalated through talk rather than more violence. With the power of words, you can appeal to people's humanity and reason to get them to back off rather than give in to ego and violence. The way of the warrior is not to pick up the sword first: it is to find solutions to conflicts in any way possible to avoid violence. Once the warrior needs to pick up the sword, he has failed in his duty and is now left with his last resort. There is power in words, there is strength in peace, and there is magic in kindness and compassion. We are coming into the darkest part of the year, so share your light with those who fear the darkness around them, but especially the darkness within them.

Star Wars Geek Creed

I believe in the almighty Force, the energy field that binds the universe together.

I believe in Luke, the greatest of the Skywalkers, he who walks between the dark and the light. He was conceived by the Dark Lord of the Sith, and born of the Queen Amidala. He suffered under Palpatine, was electrified, exiled, and found again. He projected his being to face Ben Solo. On that same day, he ascended into living Force, and is seated at the right hand of the Jedi before him. He will come again to offer wisdom to those who walk the Force in his stead.

I believe in the power of the Force, the ideals of the Republic, the reunion of friends, the forgiveness of sins, the ascension of the Skywalkers, and adventure everlasting.

May the Force be with you.
-- JD Hickey
www.johndavidhickey.ca

First Nations Declaration

This post serves as a template that you can use to make a First Nations Declaration at your Pagan events. We recommend that you read these texts before your event begins (in one or both languages, as appropriate). You can read more about the different acknowledgement statements that have been crafted per organization, per province here. These are guides, not scripts.

Find out which Nations are appropriate for your area and adapt as needed. https://www.caut.ca/content/guide-acknowledging-first-peoples-traditional-territory

English

"We begin by acknowledging that the land on which we gather is the traditional and unceded territory of the Kanien’keha:ka (Mohawk) and the Algonquin. This has been a place which has long served as a site of meeting and exchange among nations.We give thanks to the people who have cared for this land throughout the generations, throughout all that has been and all that will be, and who have brought all of us to this moment in time."

Français  

Nous reconnaissons que la terre sur laquelle nous nous rassemblons est un territoire ancestral des Kanien’keha:ka (Mohawk) et des Algonquins qui n’a jamais été cédé.  Cet endroit est depuis longtemps utilisé comme un lieu de rencontre et d’échange entre nations.Nous offrons nos sincères remerciements à ceux qui ont pris soin de cette terre au travers des générations, au travers de tout ce qui fut et de tout ce qui sera et qui nous ont permis de nous rassembler aujourd’hui. 

OkCupid Rebellion

Before I kill my Okcupid account again, I've updated it with a Dating profile written from the negative zone with distortions of all the profile clichés I'm sick of seeing:

"I am a highly-frazzled peon working for a heartless corporation destined to bury me chained to my ergonomic desk chair.

I hate laughter (it rings hollow in my what's left of my shattered heart) and having fun is for losers who cannot afford Netflix and a puppy with only 6 months left to live.

I would like to tell you I'm a glass half-full kind of person, but all my glasses are cracked from gripping then too tightly in a hootch-filled rage. Consequently, all my clothes stink of cheap Scotch and poor life choices.

Unsurprisingly enough, I tend to see the worst in every situation because THERE IS SO MUCH OF IT, IT BLOTS OUT THE MOON.

My life is fab, but I need someone to validate it since I'm no longer on speaking terms with my parents (as sentenced by the court). I am looking for a partner in crime, but who is also a short-distance sprinter. This means when we are on the run from the cops, I only need to outrun you. Family and friends are important to me, if only to provide believable alibis.

I love travel, especially to countries without well-documented extradition treaties.

So if any of this sounds interesting to you, re-book an appointment with your therapist and refill your prescriptions. Telling me your troubles may rekindle my love of deep, ironic laughter, the kind that causes children to cry and milk to curdle.

Just kidding. I'm a normal guy looking for love. PM me babe! I'm a catch. "

If anyone wants to copy this to their Dating profile, please do so with my permission.

No explanations needed

Note: Although this is written from a male-hetero perspective, it is written specifically to address the toxic masculinity that all too often gets expressed violently when a woman rejects a man's advances. However, the philosophy applies to all genders and orientations.

Maybe this is the first move, maybe you have gone on a few dates, maybe you've been dating for a few months. This article probably does not apply to longer-term relationships, but the philosophy is still sound.

Ultimately, she decides that this relationship is not the right fit for her. That you are not the right fit for her. She is kind, but firm in this declaration. It stings, it hurts, it's insulting, it's a mess of emotions for you to deal with.

DO NOT ask her to tell you what's wrong with you. DO NOT ask her to explain why you're not good enough.

Honestly in this moment, you don't actually want to know. If she does tell you what's wrong with you, the final result will not change and your self-esteem will take a beating for no good reason. But really, you're asking her this question because you think she made the wrong decision and you want to explain how she got this so, so wrong.

The reality is that she doesn't need your explanation. She has a mind of her own, she has  lifetime of hard lessons learned. Assume she is the expert in what she needs right now, even if you disagree.

If you really want to find out how to be better, ask the people who truly love you and have your best interests at heart. Don't ask someone who barely knows you or doesn't appreciate you.

If she has decided that this connection isn't right for her, you should safely assume that she knows what she is doing. It's likely you are not her first lover; there may have been a few bad break-ups or a few abusive relationships in her past. Even if you think she might not know what she wants, she definitely knows what she DOESN'T want. She knows her limitations, she knows what shit up with she will no longer put, and she has a better idea of where she wants her life to go.

You can assume all of this in that horrible moment she is telling you that you're not the right fit for her, not now and likely not ever.

In the end, the best thing you can do is listen. Really listen. Apologize if you can if you did anything hurtful, and if possible and if applicable, promise that you will work on being better just for your own edification. Accept her decision with humility, being kind and calm, and make your exit with grace and style (see below), even if that is not how you are really feeling.

If you are angry, don't express it through rage, threats, or violence. Your rage will not change her mind, and if anything, it will cement her decision. Find a way to burn off that rage that leads to positive change, either for yourself or for others or both.

I'm going to assume that this was not an easy decision for her to make and it pains her to have to deliver this news. You can honor that process by not making it worse with rage and abusive tactics.

But even if it was easy for her to tell you, or if she takes some perverse pleasure in hurting you, the advice still applies. Take the high road, accept her decision with grace and style. Don't give her the satisfaction of your pain. Expressing your anger will only hurt you in the long run, so don't indulge in it.

Although I'm not one for shifting blame, but one of the reasons why we get this wrong (and statistically, it's men who get it violently, horribly wrong), is that our culture and media are constantly telling us that No really means Try Harder Until She Gives In. For more on that idea, I refer you to the brilliant Pop Culture Detective video on Stalking for Love.

TL:DR: If you get rejected, assume that she is right in her decision, and accept the rejection with grace, kindness, and style.

About the Graceful Exit

You've been rejected, either by a new love interest or an established one. She's just given you the news and you're feeling a rush of emotions. To be able to take the high road out of this situation, here's what the Graceful Exit can look like. 

Thank you for being honest with me. I know this must have been difficult for you to say to me, but I really appreciate you saying it to my face and in person. I feel respected and cared for. Obviously, I'm disappointed that this is over, but I'd rather know now than later, so thank you. Do you have any questions for me? Anything you want to talk about?

[some discussion, mostly listening]

Okay... I'm going to go now, but again, thanks for your honesty. Take good care of yourself and if we cross paths again, I hope we can be friendly and good with each other. Goodbye.

Once you're away, get yourself to a safe space. This can be a quiet place to reflect on what's happened, finding a trusted friend to which to vent, or you might want to hang out with a group of friends to remind you that you are a good person. Do what you need to do to heal from this event that does not hurt you or others.

Grieve, mourn, and move on to better things. There are out there, waiting for you. Go find them.

Isolation

It's been a difficult day. A day of surprises, disappointment, frustration, and isolation.

And in the middle of all this, we learn that the brilliant Anthony Bourdain, suffering from the isolation of depression, took his own life.

Suffering from depression myself, I am familiar with that kind of isolation. Fortunately, I am surrounded by a strong support system consisting of friends, family, and loves, so I've always been able to pull myself back from the edge.

Maybe this one time, Mr. Bourdain was not able to claw his way back from the isolation that comes with depression. When you feel that cut off from the world, it is difficult to see clearly or even remember what the light looks like. Isolation is the killer. Being turned away, left out, cut off from those you depended upon.

I know we are all afraid and frustrated, seeking comfort, retreating to the safety of our tribes. But it is this kind of divisiveness that has led people to being so isolated that they voted out of fear, voted for a world that included them in a way that has recently left them feel excluded.

What we need now is more unity, more community, and more attempts to find the common ground that brings us together. If you can, please don't unfriend or cut people off to isolate yourself or them. If you fear for your safety, get yourself to a safe place at all costs, top priority. But if you have the spoons available, find new ways to invest in those who walk a foreign, even offensive path. It is through investment and understanding that we can fight those who seek to keep isolated, alone, and frightened.

Let's pull together to keep us all away from the edge. If that is the only thing we have in common, let it be enough.

ADF, Non-Officer Director Q&A

I was greatly honored and surprised to be nominated to sit on the ADF Mother Grove as a Non-Officer Director in 2018, but I did accept the nomination.

There are a series of questions that have been posted by the membership which I am currently trying to answer in time before the Voting phase begins. I will post my answers in this space as I am able.

Election Q&A

@@ In progress @@

Before we get started, let me just say that as an elected Non-Officer Director, my first task will be to clearly define what this position is exactly, what duties does it entail, and what are the expectations of the role. The website is not very clear on any of those details.

1. What sort of Vision do you bring to the table for the future of ADF?
Are there any *specific* problems or goals that you want to tackle? How do you hope to address those problems/goals?

I think we need to continue to apply a critical eye to our core beliefs and methods by which we operate. As the world continues to evolve, we need to evolve with it and ensure that ADF continues to meet the needs of its members while maintaining its core values and vision. It is a tricky balancing act and requires constant vigilance.

2. If you win the position you are running for, what will be the biggest obstacle you will have to overcome? How do you plan to do so?

3/4. Volunteer recruitment and burnout are big problems. Do you have any plans to address either of those issues?

Having a clear vision and being consistent in our messaging and practices will encourage more volunteer involvement. People want to support a system that has clear and defined boundaries and expectations so that everyone can contribute efficiently. Burnout occurs when people take on too much responsibility and are not supported properly. Working within our means will result in more successful projects upon which we can build.

5. What special skills would you bring to the position?

I have been an active member of my local Pagan community since 2000, taking on more leadership roles in the past 10 years. I have helped organize several Pagan conferences with the Canadian National Pagan Conference: Gaia Gathering and I have held a Board position for several years. These projects have taught me how to work well with people, but also how to keep projects in line with its vision and limitations. I am hoping these experiences have brought me some insight that I can share with the MG.

6. How will you contribute to building a culture of consent in ADF?

By taking a strong stance against all forms of bigotry, misogyny, and intolerance, while supporting inclusivity, informed consent, and celebrating what is beautiful. Sharing information is important, but elevating the ideals of taking the higher road in ensure the well-being and safety of all will catalyse this kind of change. Culture is a living, breathing being and it is our responsibility to cultivate it in a way that keeps us all safe and cared for.

7. Were it up to you, where would you take this organization 5 years from now, and how would you get us there?

As a NOD, I would not have that kind of influence. However, I would love to see ADF Canada to flourish to a point with a Canadian Arch Druid could be possible.

8. What other roles have you held within the organization, and what have you done while in them?

This would be my first official position with MG, although I am the Grove Bard for Thornhaven Grove.

9. How will you encourage ways of making ADF accessable to children (with parental consent, of course)?

In my experience, children tend to want to experience Pagan spirituality within the safe spaces of family and close friends. That being said, I would like to see a 16-21 clerical class geared towards the concerns of teens and children (8 yr+).

10. How do you view environmental issues within the context of ADF? What, if any, goals do you have to change the current actions or lack of actions currently present within ADF?

11. How do you view the role of solitary members within ADF and how do you anticipate that role will change over the course of your proposed term?

12. How would you work to make ADF as respected and legitimate as any other church in the USA, and the world.

ADF as an organization needs to reach beyond its own borders and get involved in the non - Druid world, but with an ADF Druid perspective. Not to recruit or to build a brand, but just to be actively involved in community/state/world affairs. We have spent too much time looking inwards and "supporting our own first".

13. Why doesn’t ADF have a family membership plan? 

If families are supporting ADF, then we should recognize that in terms of membership fees and resource distribution.

14. Lately, ADF has been rocked by several 'scandals' for lack of a better word, and frankly, the MG has floundered. If elected, how would you go about navigating the issues facing the organization around bringing more transparency to processes while still responding to crisis in a timely manner?

As a NOD, I don't have this kind of influence. That being said, I believe the recent crisis was handled in a timely manner, especially considering the process that was in place to ensure that everyone was consulted before taking action. People have non ADF jobs, responsibilities, time zones, and time constraints that significantly impact reaction times. 

Also keep in mind that each crisis is relatively unique and if there are no processes in place, reaction time will always be slow and clumsy. We can strive to be better (why not excellence indeed?), but let us not wish for a myriad of tragedies and scandals so that we can practice. MG is doing the best it can with the constraints it has, so let's balance a desire for excellence with a recognition of the complexities involved.

15. In real actions, how would you, if elected, improve on the great job the MG has been doing?

Everyone needs to learn how to do an Arch-Druid impersonation. ;) Bardic magic!

16. I would like to hear the candidates thoughts on strategic planning for ADF. Where do you see us in 10 years? 20 years? How are we going to get there? What are your goals on the MG?

See #12.

17. How would you ensure fair treatment of members regardless of ethnicity, nationality, gender identity, sexuality, or immigration status?

Have representation from each group to speak their needs to MG 4 times a year.

18. How would you look to heal divisions in the organization, bring the organization to a sense of more inclusive wholeness and create a positive vision for all members regardless of wether they are clergy, dedicants, solitaries, old-timers, newcomers, etc. Do you feel that all members are equal?

While I believe all members are equal in terms of their rights and expectations of respect, the investment of time, effort, and office should accord some members more weight. As always, respect must be earned, but having a way to recognize leaders in ADF based on their contributions to the organization cannot be a bad thing. 

19. How do you take feedback and criticism from peers and those you serve?

Excellently. Ask anyone who agrees with me. ;)

20. How do you react to people who disagree with you?

21. In response to the recent allegations against Isaac Bonewits, the ADF Mother Grove unanimously voted to provide (and fund) training for our Mother Grove, Regional Druids, and Clergy in the Consent Culture Course from Cherry Hill Seminary. [...] I would like to see our candidates briefly discuss their responses to this course, specifically regarding how it may inform their leadership decisions.

22. How are you going to improve the communication between MG members?Not with the membership, but between individual members of the Mother Grove.

When is Soon?

While at my Mum's house, I got a visit from a couple of handsome older gentlemen who wished to talk to me about the imminent coming of Jesus. They introduced themselves as Ray and Gary.

I love talking to these people. Generally, they are pleasant and charming and I have some respect for people who care about their faith so much that they would accept so much rejection.

"The Bible says that Jesus is coming soon," said Ray, reaching for his pamphlet.

"You guys have been saying that for quite some time, y'know," I replied. Gary snickered, but recovered quickly.

"That's fair," he shugged. "But it's important to be ready."

"Besides," I interjected, "What is the concept of soon to an infinite being that knows nothing of time? If God is going to create a world of beings who live finite lives, you'd think it would not speak vaguely about time with words like Soon. It would know that an infinite concept of Soon needs to be converted to a finite concept of a precise Date."

This statement stymied them both for a moment." You're an interesting man to discuss these things with," Ray said finally.

"That is very kind of you to say, Ray. "

"Do you think we could come back to discuss this further sometime?" He began to reach for his datebook.

"Sorry Ray, but I'm only visiting my Mum for a couple of days. I need to get back to Montreal soon."

Disappointed, Ray put his datebook back, but before he could say anything, I grinned and said "And Ray, by soon, I mean tomorrow."

We shook hands and bid each other a good-day.

Do not kneel to the high heel

Quebec has once again reawakened the face covering debate by attempting to legislate what women can and cannot do, what they would wear and what they cannot wear. Supporters of the bill believe that they are saving these women from oppression and ensuring their freedom by forcing them to adhere to a North American cultural standard.

Of course, this completely ignores the ability of these women to make personal choices that would make other people uncomfortable, but the supporters are confident that they have these women's best interests at heart, even though they entirely dismiss their ability to make decisions for themselves.

What I question where is where is their moral outrage for women who insist to wear high heels for more hours than is medically recommended in order to religiously adhere to an unreasonable standard of beauty. Why are these women not being saved from the very real, documented physical damage they are inflicting upon their ankles, knees, spine everyday?

While you may argue that wearing a head covering is a symbol of unimpressive culture or religion, at least the coverings are not damaging the woman's face or head. If anything, considering the ravages of a Canadian winter, Muslim women are more protected than your average person from the intense cold and snow.

High heels serve absolutely no purpose other than to make a woman taller and to hobble her movement. One aspect is to make her an object to be gazed upon, and the other is to keep her from enjoying freedom of movement, trapping her in social situations like a pet on a leash.

Why would these women subject themselves to such harm, and yet we allow it to happen? You could argue that these women are making a conscious choice to wear high heels, but in the society that places so much value on a way a woman looks and how closely she adheres to an arbitrary standard of cutie, how can we be sure that she's even capable of making these choices herself? What if it's the men in her Social Circle that are forcing her to damage her ankle spine and knees so they don't socially reject her, lowering her status in her community and hampering her ability to succeed.

If Muslim women cannot be trusted to make the proper choices about their facial wear, North American women also cannot be trusted to wear Footwear that allows them freedom of movement while ensuring their good health. The religion of fashion seeks to enslave these women, disregarding their intellect, their values, and their talents that once harnessed, could have Advanced our society in ways that men could only dream of.

Therefore, I refuse to kneel at the Temple of the Elevated Heel and I encourage my sisters to join me toe to toe. And if they won't, then I will petition the government to make the wearing of the high heel not only illegal, but a criminal offense. This will ensure equality between the genders, quite literally leveling the playing field in terms of unnatural height, and save these women from themselves, the poor dears.

@@ UPDATE @@

Ontario steals my thunder.

The Responsibility of Free Speech

Person 1: Hello everyone and thank you for agreeing to meet and discuss the issues at hand. We've got some huge problems to solve, so let's get at it.

[general discussion of possible solutions]

P2: How about we just eradicate the Elves?

P1: What? What did you just say?

P2: The Elves. I mean, they are the real problem and they cause all the issues. It's a known fact. If we just band together, we could just eradicate the Elvish problem and everything else would take care of itself.

P1: Get out. You are no longer welcome at this table.

P2: Now hang on just a minute. I have Freedom of Speech and Thought in this country! You cannot prevent me from speaking my mind! It's my right.

P1: Actually, as much as I would like to, I cannot toss your racist ass in jail for expressing your deplorable ideas. However, sitting at this table is a privilege, not a right, and you have failed to meet the standards that allow for that privilege.

P2: No! No! I have the right to speak my mind and you MUST allow me to express it.

P1: You're wrong. You can sit at home and be racist all you like. You can sit in your own space and think all the murderous thoughts you want to. But the moment you attempt to express or broadcast those violent, oppressive, destructive thoughts in a public square, this is where the line is crossed. In a public square, everyone should be able to expect a minimum standard of safety and security to be met. In a public setting, you have a responsibility to the public to be honest and factual in the ideas you share. To express ideas that are designed to incite people to actively place others in harm's way violates that expectation.

P2: You have no right to curb my right to personal expression, nor can you oppress me because of my values. That is a slippery slope to fascism!

P1: While it is true that taken to an extreme, attempting to too-tightly control the personal expression of people can lead to oppressive regimes, holding the public good in higher regard can provide better guidelines about what is acceptable or unacceptable. Each case must be examined carefully.

P2: But... but...

P1: However, in this case, this is my table and I get to set the minimum standard. For the expression of that racist view, you have violated the standards of this gathering and now you are no longer welcome here. Not now, not ever. You still have freedom of thought, you have freedom of movement, but your access to this table and this discussion is officially revoked. Get out.

Only You Can Tell Your Story

Hey you. Yeah, you there. Don't look behind you, expecting to see someone else. I'm talking to you specifically.

I know you're struggling with today, afraid of tomorrow, and regretting the past. You've done some questionable things, you and I both know it. You've hurt people without meaning to, you've hurt others on purpose believe you were completely justified in doing so. Maybe now with the wisdom that comes from hard living you've realized you weren't so justified. Maybe you still think you were justified to make those destructive decisions and you're certain that those nights you woke up in a cold sweat are completely unrelated.

But I'll let you in on a secret that might help: What you do today is the only thing that has any real worth. The decisions you make today reflect the only real you that has ever mattered. You are completely in control of this very moment and what you decide right now will change your boundaries and restrictions. It's all on you and the power that you wield in this very moment.

I know that sounds like a lot or even an over-simplification of the immensely complicated lives we lead. I guess in some ways that it is, but I prefer to look at it as a refocusing of your intent, an intentisifying of your divine foothold in this life.

But what you did in the past is simply a remnant of your present-day power. Back then, you had that moment in your hands, you made your decision, and the moment was past, becoming a permanent part of your story. The only reason to dwell on that past moment is to reflect on what you learned from it so that you can make another decision in THIS moment. What you do NOW is the purest expression of who you are,

You are the storyteller, so you get to decide where the story goes. It doesn't matter how the story was told in the past: your past doesn't define who you are in this moment. What matters is where you are taking your story right now.

As the old expression goes: you reap what you sow. If you want to live a happy story, sow happiness in others. But you cannot increase love in this world by sowing hatred. Self-righteousness does not convert hateful acts into a loving reality. When faced with what is ugly in this world, you must meet with with more beauty. To face what is ugly from your past, you must create beauty in your present.

And to do that, you must make a decision right here, right now, knowing that it will become a permanent part of the story of you. Don't let the past dictate the quality of the present. Write a new, better story right here, right now.

Letting Go: It's Dangerous

I had to listen to this bizarro rant a few times to keep track of what he's actually saying. His persona voice and tossing about of jargon is super distracting.

https://www.facebook.com/jasonlsilva/videos/1876547535942856/

There are many ways to Let Go, but I think Silva is trying to focus on living in the moment rather than worrying about the future or past. But then he starts talking about Ego Imprisonment, which is a completely different kind of Letting Go experience. Sure, both of them are tied together in some ways, but they are not interchangeable. One has to do with the release of control of the moment, and the other has to do with our self-imposed definitions and restrictions.

The first question Silva asks is "Why is it so hard to let go?" He spends the rest of this rant trying to explain why it's good to let go (like all the gurus keep telling us), but he never really explains why is it hard to let go, nor how to actually let go.

But I can tell you why it is hard to let go: it comes from the fear of failure, the fear of disappointment or rejection, and the fear of facing the unknown. People hang onto their preconceptions because they are comforting, because they are expected to cling and be accepted rather than question and be rejected, and because the unknown has more terrifying questions than satisfying answers.

It is not only difficult and terrifying to let go, it is also dangerous. Letting go completely and for the long-term makes it difficult to operate in this society. The trick is to let go enough to explore the possibilities, and then to grasp and own enough to operate efficiently. You can then incorporate what you discovered in letting go and innovate your integration in everyday society.

It's a process that is prone to much failure, but as long as you can embrace failure and use it as a teacher rather than a punisher, you can keep making progress bit by bit. The only other option is lay stagnant in your growth, allowing others to determine your direction, values, and goals.

Predator vs Prey

Note: I did NOT come up with this theory. I read it somewhere years ago and I forget the source. If anyone can remind me of the source, I'll link to it in the article.

==
I was out with a friend and she remarked "I don't know why guys get so bent out of shape to see two guys kissing. They like it when women kiss, but get so threatened when guys kiss. What's their deal?"

The following was my response:

It comes down to these men hanging their entire self-identity on the traditional view of romantic relationships where men are the predator and women are the prey. Men hunt and consume, while women are hunted and consumed. Men are the strong predators and women are the weak prey.

The reason it is not threatening to watch women kiss is that prey can consume each other and they are not a threat to the predator. Each woman is playing the part of the prey and is being consumed, so men can still feel strong and unthreatened as the predator.

But when men kiss each other, that means that one of them is the prey and the other is the predator. One man is being consumed while the other consumes. To a man who clings to a traditional view of male-female relationships, it is disturbing to watch a man play the weaker role as prey, as being the one who is being consumed. It makes the man worried that he may not always be the predator because of his maleness. Watching two men kiss tells him that he could be the one being consumed rather than being the consumer, he could become prey, and this feels like a violation of the natural order of things.

Similarly, the man who clings to his predator title will feel threatened by a woman who hunts him. A woman who is self-assured, strong, confident, and who take the power of the predator will threaten a man who feels entitled to be the predator. He is no longer the predator by default because of his gender: he will need to put effort into his role as predator and he may fail at this task, making him the prey, making him weak, making him be the consumed.

In conclusion, men who are uncomfortable with expressions of non-heterosexuality do so from a fear of losing their male-entitled social position as predator. These men are afraid that they'll be treated the way that they treat women.

Jesus Christ was a Brown Jew

Yoinked from lauralot89:

Jesus Christ was a brown Jew in the Middle East, conceived out of wedlock in an arguably interracial if not interspecies (deity and human) relationship, raised by his mother and stepfather in place of his absent father.  He may not have had a Y chromosome.  He spent his early youth as a refugee in Egypt, where his family no doubt survived initially on handouts from the wealthy (you think they kept that gold, frankincense, and myrrh from the wise men?  Hell no, they sold that stuff for food and lodging).  He later returned with his parents to their occupied homeland and lived in poverty.

The religion of Jesus’s people has no concept of a permanent hell and instructed its priests on how to induce miscarriages.  Jesus explicitly rejected the concept of disability as a divine punishment.  He spoke out against religious hypocrites.  He had enough respect for women to let his mother choose the time of his first miracle.  He blessed a same sex couple.  He told a rich man that he must give up his wealth to get to heaven, and also told a parable about a rich man suffering in agony in presumably Gehinnom (basically Purgatory) just to hammer the point home.  He told people to pay their taxes.  He declared “love your neighbor” to be one of the two commandments on which all laws hang.  He commanded his followers to help the poor.  He commanded them to help the sick and the needy.  He spent time with social outcasts.  He healed the servant of a high priest during his arrest rather than fighting back.  He was put to death by the occupying government because he was a political radical.

Trump and his administration are xenophobic, misogynistic, racist, fear-mongering, warmongering, tax-dodging, anti-Semitic, anti-choice, anti-welfare, anti-equal pay, anti-LGBTQIA+, anti-immigration, support tax cuts for the rich, support Citizen’s United, want to keep refugees out of this country, want to limit our ability to speak against the government, plan to abolish the Affordable Care Act, and they wrap all of that up behind a banner of “Christian family values.”  If you support them, you have no right to call yourself a follower of Christ.

The Etiquette of Intimacy, Sexuality, and Consent

Let's face it: Pagans are a sexy bunch of people. In a spiritual culture that respects and celebrates sexuality rather than fear it, we tend to wear our love and lust on our sleeves.

However, even with all of this sexual celebration going on, we still need to respect and honor people's boundaries, personal space, and overall safety. When it comes to sexual etiquette, firm and enthusiastic Consent is still King/Queen.

Related articles:

• Clothing Optional Etiquette
• Ancient Pagan Sexual Ethics by Thexalon Dave

Note: The situations listed in this article do not include the context of Kink that can be considered more extreme than what is acceptable in mainstream society. The Kink communities have their own rules and guidelines and they are not covered in this article. If you are engaging in Kink, please make sure that everyone involved understands the rules about Consent and realize that Consent can be revoked at any time.

GENERAL SOCIAL BEHAVIOUR

When engaging with people in most social situations, act, and speak in a respectful manner, being mindful of people's personal space and boundaries. Let your behaviour be guided by kindness, mutual respect, equality, and compassion for your fellow human beings.

To be mindful of how you interact with other people, you must refrain from any and all of the following:

* touching any part of their bodies without invitation
* uttering rude or vulgar statements
* making sexualized gestures towards any person
* engaging in catcalling, even if you think it's a compliment
* staring, standing too close, or following the person around uninvited
* insisting that this person must act in a specific manner

Although sexuality is often celebrated in Pagan culture, it is also an act that is treated with respect and reverence for those who choose to engage in it. Even if you see others acting in an affectionate, intimate way with each other, this is not an automatic invitation for you to take part. Invitations must be explicit and offered, not assumed.

Free sexual expression is not a requirement of Paganism and is never a measurement of how Pagan you are or how seriously you take your spirituality. Pardon my French, but anyone who suggests otherwise can fuck right off.

HOW TO IDENTIFY CONSENT

According to Canadian law, these are rules that govern Consent:

1. You can only Consent for yourself.
2. You must be able to give Consent, which means you must be awake, conscious, and sober enough to make a clear decision.
3. People in positions of trust, power or authority cannot abuse their position to obtain Consent.
4. Implying "No" is as valid as stating a clear and firm “NO”.
5. You have the right to change your mind and stop anytime for any reason during the consensual activity.

Consent is clear and enthusiastic. Consent is joyous and filled with anticipation. Consent is not half-hearted, nor does it come from a place of fear, either for personal safety or rejection. Consent must be clear, pure, and honest.

Consent is the result of a clear, thorough discussion and negotiation between the people involved. What the person is Consenting to must be clearly understood, boundaries need to be stated and respected, and all pertinent information needs to be shared.

Sure, it might take some of the spontaneity out of the moment, but it's better to make sure that everyone is being safe in that decision, including yourself.

Lastly, and most important, Consent can be revoked at any time by anyone and MUST BE RESPECTED. Just because the people involved agreed to something before it started, that does not mean that the original Consent is binding. Every person has the right to change their minds and renegotiate Consent at any moment without coercion, intimidation, or threats.

STAYING WITHIN THE BOUNDARIES OF CONSENT

Granting Consent is not a blanket statement. You can (and should) be specific about what kind of Consent you are granting, the kind of activity in which you are interested, what are soft-limits, and what are hard limits.

For example, you can Consent to a passionate kissing session, but state that there is to be no nudity or sexual touch. If the other party(s) cross your lines, be firm and re-state your Consent boundaries. If your boundaries continue to get crossed, you need to walk away and keep yourself safe.

It is recommended to define the boundaries of Consent before the intimate act begins, so that everyone can know what the rules are. Knowing where your limits are is best determined in a calm, sober state: it can be difficult to make the right choices in the heat of the moment.

WHEN CONSENT CANNOT BE GIVEN

When it comes to acts of intimacy, Consent can never be given or received when under the influence of a substance that can impair judgment (i.e.: alcohol, drugs, etc.). If the person is too impaired to be able to make clear, rational decisions, Consent cannot be guaranteed even when the person gives Consent in that moment. The only thing you can do at that point is make sure the impaired person gets to a safe place, allow the intoxication to pass, and then revisit the giving of Consent if the person is open to this.

Consent cannot be implied or interpreted by actions, behaviour, or mode of dress or undress. "The way he was acting, he clearly wanted it" or "The way she was dressed told me that she wanted it" are NOT forms of Consent. Consent can only be clearly stated by someone who is sober, awake, and enthusiastic in its utterance. Consent is NEVER open to interpretation.

Consent cannot be given if the person is unconscious or unable to respond. EVER.

You cannot be bullied, intimidated, or threatened to give your Consent. Consent given under any of these circumstances is NOT valid.

Legal Consent cannot be given by someone who is under the age of 16, no matter how true or pure your love is. Only a parent or guardian can grant that kind of Consent, and even then, it only applies to people between the ages of 12-15. Under 12 years of age, this kind of Consent cannot be legally granted by anyone.

YOU ARE CONFIDENT THAT CONSENT IS GIVEN. NOW WHAT?

Enjoy! Now that you and your partner(s) have clearly stated their needs, expectations, and feel safe and secure, go and enjoy yourselves! Sexuality is a beautiful thing. Make sure that everyone practices safe sex so that everyone can get lost in the pleasure of it without worrying or concerns.

Once the good times begin to roll, feel free to check-in often with everyone that they all feel safe and respected, that everything is going well, and that Consent is still being given. Doing frequent check-ins shows that you care, gives people a chance to check-in with themselves, and gives everyone a voice.

BREACHING THE BOUNDARIES OF CONSENT

If at any point and for any reason, if anyone feels unsafe or unsure, they can declare that their Consent is now revoked. At that point, the activity must stop and boundaries must be respected. This is a time for compassion and empathy; this is not a time for judgment or frustration. Be kind and ensure that their safety is paramount.

If your revocation of Consent is not being respected, you need to be firm and restate your boundaries. Generally, it is not in the middle of the act that boundaries can be renegotiated. If your boundaries continue to be pushed or crossed and you feel unsafe, you need to get yourself away immediately from this situation/person to a place of safety. If you are at an event and continue to feel unsafe, you may want to contact Security and discuss it with them when you are ready (bring a friend for support).

THE CONSEQUENCES OF ACTING WITHOUT CONSENT

If you find yourself guilty of acting without clear and firm sexual Consent, or that you continue to act while ignoring denied or revoked sexual Consent, you can find yourself in a world of trouble. Depending on the act, you can be facing legal charges of assault, sexual assault, and even rape.

If your are guilty of acting without Consent, you must realize that you cannot undo what has been done, nor can you define the nature of the assault for the victim. It is the victim that defines the nature of the assault, not the aggressor.

If you wish to apologize or make amends, you need the victim's permission to be approached first. You must also realize that you cannot make the victim forgive you, nor can you decide when the victim should be ready to forgive you, if ever. All you can do is to respect the victim's wishes and boundaries, offer an apology and a promise that you will learn from this experience, and then respect the victim's wishes and give them the space that they need, for however long they need it, even if it means forever.

You must then take a good hard look at your own values and decide for yourself what lessons you need to learn to be able to treat others with respect and keep them safe.

RECOVERY AND HEALING

If you are a victim of a non-consensual act, you must realize that this is not your fault. You have every right to expect to be respected, to have your wishes heard and honored, and that you deserve to be safe. If someone has violated that trust, it is not your fault.

It's normal that it feels like it is your fault, that you did something wrong and this non-consensual act is the result. Most victims (including the author of this article) go through this process of self-blame after being assaulted. Even when you recognize that it is illogical to do so, you might say "Well, yes... If this happened to you, it would be assault, but in my case, it's different and it doesn't apply."

You hear yourself saying these words, you know that it's wrong intellectually, but emotionally, that's how it feels. The facts are that, being the victim, you are practically incapable of being objective about this. Furthermore, you just want to forget the whole thing, so it's just easier to take the blame and learn from it quietly intead of making a fuss and having to relive the assault over and over.

That's what I went through after my assault. Even after friends and family insisted I tell someone in authority about what happened, I couldn't bring myself to do it and I tried to repress it instead. The results were sleepless nights, horrible mood swings, and devastating bouts of depression.

And then I told someone in authority, and the healing process began. It's incredibly difficult and conflicting to tell someone about your event because it feels like you are just shifting the burden to others, but this is not the case. You are seeking the help you need to heal from this incident and your people want to help you.

If you are suffering from the affects of a non-consensual act, there are just two things you need to know:
1. It was not your fault.
2. You are not alone.

Talk to someone. Seek help. It is the purest expression of strength to seek help.

In Canada, there are several organizations available to either get you the help you need or to point you in the right direction.

Consent Education:
http://www.Consented.ca/

Recovery From Sexual Abuse/Assault
http://www.sexassault.ca/recovery.htm

Canadian Association of Sexual Assault Centres
http://casac.ca/content/anti-violence-centres

A Voice for the Innocent
http://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/

Many Canadian provinces offer their own local sexual assault resources, so to find the ones in your area, we suggest that you search for "sexual assault support [your province/city]" to find the most relevant and immediate resources.

Talk to someone. Get the help you need. You are not alone.

Editors: Aniya,, Laurie S., Nat M., Caroline W., Jessica B., and others

The Recipe for a Bard

by Melissa Keindel (amara_strega)

To make a bard one needs to find, the recipe to create its kind. Never easy, always changing, from culture to culture, recipes ranging. Below we find a simple mix, to make a bard, and learn his tricks.

So listen now, as i do tell, a simple bard creation spell:

• Start with 1 cup honey, for the best stories come from honeyed tongues.
• Add 1 cup mead to loosen the mind and mouth.
• A dash of sass, a dash of pluck, a silver coin for good luck.
• A teaspoon of sage, to impart wisdom
• A teaspoon of pepper to keep stories spicy
• A quarter cup of strong beer to add valor and bravado
• A pinch of salt for flavor
• A pinch of suger to sweeten the heart
• A clove of garlic for strength
• A sprig of Thyme so they may keep time in competition
• A tablespoon of oats to add humility
• A cup of spring water to keep the creativity flowing
• Lastly add to the brew one sprig of eyebright to sharpen the wit and open the mind.

Add to a sturdy pot and boil over the intense flames of the bardic fire. Stir frequently, listening for the tell tale signs of bubbling and free-style rapping that tell you it is almost complete.

Once cooked, allow to cool and take on its natural shape, that of the master storyteller and keeper of sacred tales.

The Unreceived Gift

This is a story I could stand to remember sometimes.

One day, the Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. “You have no right teaching others,” he shouted. “You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake!”

Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man “Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?”

The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, “It would belong to me, because I bought the gift.”

The Buddha smiled and said, “That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you, making yourself more unhappy. All you have achieved is to hurt yourself.

To Know the Gods

Showering Epiphany #12

I hear people wondering about how to build a meaningful relationship with the Gods. How do I pick a God to worship? How do I get to know that God? If I never see Her/Him, how can I know I'm not just talking to myself?

We all carry a Divine Spark that comes from the Gods. You have it, I have it, they have it. Pagans and non-Pagans, theists and atheists, every living creature, and even the stones. They all carry a spark of that Divine essence and it's right there, at your fingertips. It is this common spark that ties us together, and in turn, ties us to the Gods, and then binds the Gods to us.

Did the Gods create the people, or did the people create the Gods? The answer is Yes. We need the Gods and the Gods need us. We sustain each other via the common Divine Spark.

So if you are looking to build a meaningful relationship with the Gods (whichever Gods you choose), you can start by building meaningful relationships with the closest, most relate-able form of Divinity: the People.

Paganism has this popular notion that our spirituality is a personal journey: that we build personal relationship with our Gods. And while this is somewhat true, we still need each other to complete that journey. If you want more Divinity in your life, surround yourself with more Divine Spark keepers.

Find people you trust, who challenge you, who push you to be better, who teach you new ideas, who force you out of your comfort zone, who nurture you when you need it. All of these people are keepers of that Divine Spark, real-world expressions of the Gods.

If you build meaningful relationships with these people, nurturing connections with your Divine Sparks, you are building real, concrete relationships with the Gods. From that foundation, with a firm anchor in the real world, you can expand your reach beyond the physical and deepen your relationship with the Gods, and they with you. However, without that grounding anchor in the real world, the Gods may always seem vague, disconnected, far-away, and just theories.

Find your Divine Spark, seek it out in others, and nurture each other. In this way, you will discover the Gods have been around you this entire time.

Excessive Drag

Years ago, I used to participate in Dragon Boat racing. Friends encouraged me to join, we practiced, we went to races, and it was great fun.

Often these races take place in other cities. I think we had traveled to Ottawa for such a race, staying in the dorms at the university. I was out walking the grounds for some reason when I crossed another team. They spotted my team tee-shirt and one of them came over and said "Oh hey... you're rowing with the ABC team?"

"Yeah," I replied proudly. "Are you racing tomorrow?"

"We are," she said. "I'm really glad you're on their team because having a fat guy like you gives us a real edge." They walked away, laughing at how clever they were.

Honestly, there are jerks everywhere. It stung, but I quickly brushed it off and continued on. She was just trying to psyche me out and it didn't matter because my team accepted me the way I was.

The next day was sunny and clear. Our team gathered, stretched, did some warm-ups and cheered each other on. We raced a few times and did pretty well. The team worked well together, rowing in unison (which is the secret to a fast Dragon Boat BTW). It was exciting, exhilarating, and lots of fun.

** Revised **
Near the end of the day, the coach came over and benched me for a number of reasons including that it was my first competition, that I was still green, and there was a paddler limit.

On its surface, the reasons were legit, but with what happened the day before, all I heard was "The fat guy is slowing us down." Sure, there were other larger people on the team, but when you're embarrassed about your weight, you find excuses for others ("Yeah, but he's strong", "Yeah, but she's skilled", "Yeah, but I'm larger and weaker than the others").

When we got home, I quit the team. I had also been injured that season, but coupled with my own humiliation, I couldn't motivate myself to go back. I could have spoken to the coach about the incident, but I couldn't face it.
**

I get it. I'm at this point in my health because every day, I make choices. Sometimes I choose to walk more, sometimes I get lazy. The weight I am at is combination of choice, genes, and physiology. I can choose to get more exercise and try to disregard the despair and the pain that comes with it to try to achieve some amorphous weight loss number that seems impossible (even though so many of my friends have managed to do the same). I can choose to go out there and make a change, or I can choose comfort and stay in. It's my choice. It's always my choice.

But you also need to understand that it's difficult to face not only myself, but the others who see my weight as either a burden or a visual signpost of an undesired life. Even well-meaning people pat my tummy and laugh, as if to say "I recognize you're fat, but I still like you." I recognize the good intention in that moment, but the delivery needs work.

Another summer is arriving and with it comes more choices. Every day, I need to make the choice to take the bus, walk more, and maybe even take swimming again. I love the water, I love to swim, but taking off my shirt in public is one of the most difficult acts in this life.

I know that need to make these choices and I do appreciate all the support I do get for making these choices. When people say "You just need to [insert instruction here].", that's all well and good, but you need to understand how difficult it is to take and maintain these actions when you are surrounded by others who treat you like they are glad not to be you.

The Gods are not to be Trusted

I have to come out and make a confession-declaration:

I have insufficient faith in the Gods.

I do have faith in the Gods, but I also realize that there are many aspects of this life that the Gods either have no control over, or into which they refuse to intervene. I seem to be alone in this belief, however, and everyone else faith seems absolute. The fact that these other people have absolutely nothing to lose is surely completely coincidental.

Context: I work with a small team to organize events in my community, so we occasionally need to make practical decisions which some people object to loudly. When we try to explain why we came to these decisions, the Gods are often invoked and our lack of faith is presented as Exhibit A.

THEM: You should organize a Witches Ball for Halloween!
US: Eeek. To rent a hall big enough, we'd need about $1500 to rent the hall and pay the DJ. That means assuming we charge $10 per person, we'd need to get at least 150 people to show up. I'm not sure we'd get enough people.
THEM: You worry too much. HAVE MORE FAITH IN THE GODS!

THEM: Why do the Public Rituals cost $5 per person? Spirituality should be free!
US: The ritual itself is free, but the 3rd floor studio that is close to the metro and has an elevator (because making it accessible to everyone is important) costs $300.
THEM: You should pass the hat and ask for donations AND HAVE MORE FAITH IN THE GODS!

THEM: You should hold this event on a piece of land that is difficult to access, but also provide everyone with return transportation.
US: Eeek. Okay, that location is about an hour away. We could rent a bus, but that will cost about $500. We could car pool it, but there's no guarantee that a bunch of strangers would be willing to--
THEM: You worry too much! It'll work because it's a great idea and everyone will buy into it AND YOU SHOULD HAVE MORE FAITH IN THE GODS!

You get the picture. When I tell these people that, if they have such faith in the Gods and their ideas, they should organize it themselves.

THEM: "Oh no... I can't do that for Reason A. Then Reason B comes into play, which causes Reason C that makes Reason A even more impossible. But I'll help you and support you if you take care of it. JUST TRUST IN THE GODS!"

In the early days of my community involvement, I used to do this. When it seemed impractical and financially risky, I tried to put faith in the Gods that it would all work out in the end. What would actually happen is that these risky events would flop, the promised support would disappear, and I would be left to foot the bill. But on the surface, it would look like everything worked out and IT WAS ALL THE WILL OF THE GODS.

So yeah... I'm left to make the hard decisions that allow events to take place, while mitigating the risks, and dealing with a loud, disappointed few (who didn't support the event at all, btw). All the while to be told that everything would be fine if I JUST HAD FAITH IN THE GODS.

Fuck that noise. I have learned that replacing an insufficient trust in the Gods with some critical thinking and realistic risk analysis increases the chances that an event will be successful. Or at the very least, I won't lose my shirt in the process.