Wednesday, April 1, 2015
NEWS: The Harper Government Establishes Polytheism as State Religion
"It was a moment of pure ephiphany," explained Mr. Harper to a curiously stunned press. "There I was in the House, listening to Mr. Mulchair make a point about something or other, and it came to me in a dream that the surest way to unite the country under one banner would be to return to religion."
At which point, Mr. Harper reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a deeply-creased folded photograph of Pierre Elliott Trudeau. "Old Pete understood how multiculturalism allows Canada to rise above mediocrity to embrace diversity, so why shouldn't our state-authorized belief system reflect that diversity as well?"
Conservative opposition to the Prime Minister's surprise statement has been fierce. "This stance does not reflect the ideals of the Tory party!" Tim Hudak shouted angrily. "Mr. Harper did not present this to the party, so we have had no time to discuss or debate it. You cannot make decisions that affect the country this way without consulting the population! It's unconstitutional!" At which point, the other Tory members began to shift uncomfortably in their suits and move slowly away from Mr. Huldak. Sniggering could be heard from the non-Tory party members and MP Justin Trudeau was spotted tweeting furiously.
"First things first, I need an MP who understands religious diversity," Mr. Harper said, pulling out his smartphone and accessing Facebook. "It appears that the pagan community has a newly-named Pope, so we'll be in consultations with this figurehead. In the meantime, we'll be diverting some of the military budget to picking up incense, candles, and statues of Vishnu to decorate the parliamentary halls. Good day to you all and may the Gods always keep your path well-lit."
Mr. Harper was briefly hospitalized for first degree burns after attempting to leap over the Centennial Flame shouting "I have been reborn!"