No explanations needed

Note: Although this is written from a male-hetero perspective, it is written specifically to address the toxic masculinity that all too often gets expressed violently when a woman rejects a man's advances. However, the philosophy applies to all genders and orientations.

Maybe this is the first move, maybe you have gone on a few dates, maybe you've been dating for a few months. This article probably does not apply to longer-term relationships, but the philosophy is still sound.

Ultimately, she decides that this relationship is not the right fit for her. That you are not the right fit for her. She is kind, but firm in this declaration. It stings, it hurts, it's insulting, it's a mess of emotions for you to deal with.

DO NOT ask her to tell you what's wrong with you. DO NOT ask her to explain why you're not good enough.

Honestly in this moment, you don't actually want to know. If she does tell you what's wrong with you, the final result will not change and your self-esteem will take a beating for no good reason. But really, you're asking her this question because you think she made the wrong decision and you want to explain how she got this so, so wrong.

The reality is that she doesn't need your explanation. She has a mind of her own, she has  lifetime of hard lessons learned. Assume she is the expert in what she needs right now, even if you disagree.

If you really want to find out how to be better, ask the people who truly love you and have your best interests at heart. Don't ask someone who barely knows you or doesn't appreciate you.

If she has decided that this connection isn't right for her, you should safely assume that she knows what she is doing. It's likely you are not her first lover; there may have been a few bad break-ups or a few abusive relationships in her past. Even if you think she might not know what she wants, she definitely knows what she DOESN'T want. She knows her limitations, she knows what shit up with she will no longer put, and she has a better idea of where she wants her life to go.

You can assume all of this in that horrible moment she is telling you that you're not the right fit for her, not now and likely not ever.

In the end, the best thing you can do is listen. Really listen. Apologize if you can if you did anything hurtful, and if possible and if applicable, promise that you will work on being better just for your own edification. Accept her decision with humility, being kind and calm, and make your exit with grace and style (see below), even if that is not how you are really feeling.

If you are angry, don't express it through rage, threats, or violence. Your rage will not change her mind, and if anything, it will cement her decision. Find a way to burn off that rage that leads to positive change, either for yourself or for others or both.

I'm going to assume that this was not an easy decision for her to make and it pains her to have to deliver this news. You can honor that process by not making it worse with rage and abusive tactics.

But even if it was easy for her to tell you, or if she takes some perverse pleasure in hurting you, the advice still applies. Take the high road, accept her decision with grace and style. Don't give her the satisfaction of your pain. Expressing your anger will only hurt you in the long run, so don't indulge in it.

Although I'm not one for shifting blame, but one of the reasons why we get this wrong (and statistically, it's men who get it violently, horribly wrong), is that our culture and media are constantly telling us that No really means Try Harder Until She Gives In. For more on that idea, I refer you to the brilliant Pop Culture Detective video on Stalking for Love.

TL:DR: If you get rejected, assume that she is right in her decision, and accept the rejection with grace, kindness, and style.

About the Graceful Exit

You've been rejected, either by a new love interest or an established one. She's just given you the news and you're feeling a rush of emotions. To be able to take the high road out of this situation, here's what the Graceful Exit can look like. 

Thank you for being honest with me. I know this must have been difficult for you to say to me, but I really appreciate you saying it to my face and in person. I feel respected and cared for. Obviously, I'm disappointed that this is over, but I'd rather know now than later, so thank you. Do you have any questions for me? Anything you want to talk about?

[some discussion, mostly listening]

Okay... I'm going to go now, but again, thanks for your honesty. Take good care of yourself and if we cross paths again, I hope we can be friendly and good with each other. Goodbye.

Once you're away, get yourself to a safe space. This can be a quiet place to reflect on what's happened, finding a trusted friend to which to vent, or you might want to hang out with a group of friends to remind you that you are a good person. Do what you need to do to heal from this event that does not hurt you or others.

Grieve, mourn, and move on to better things. There are out there, waiting for you. Go find them.

Isolation

It's been a difficult day. A day of surprises, disappointment, frustration, and isolation.

And in the middle of all this, we learn that the brilliant Anthony Bourdain, suffering from the isolation of depression, took his own life.

Suffering from depression myself, I am familiar with that kind of isolation. Fortunately, I am surrounded by a strong support system consisting of friends, family, and loves, so I've always been able to pull myself back from the edge.

Maybe this one time, Mr. Bourdain was not able to claw his way back from the isolation that comes with depression. When you feel that cut off from the world, it is difficult to see clearly or even remember what the light looks like. Isolation is the killer. Being turned away, left out, cut off from those you depended upon.

I know we are all afraid and frustrated, seeking comfort, retreating to the safety of our tribes. But it is this kind of divisiveness that has led people to being so isolated that they voted out of fear, voted for a world that included them in a way that has recently left them feel excluded.

What we need now is more unity, more community, and more attempts to find the common ground that brings us together. If you can, please don't unfriend or cut people off to isolate yourself or them. If you fear for your safety, get yourself to a safe place at all costs, top priority. But if you have the spoons available, find new ways to invest in those who walk a foreign, even offensive path. It is through investment and understanding that we can fight those who seek to keep isolated, alone, and frightened.

Let's pull together to keep us all away from the edge. If that is the only thing we have in common, let it be enough.

ADF, Non-Officer Director Q&A

I was greatly honored and surprised to be nominated to sit on the ADF Mother Grove as a Non-Officer Director in 2018, but I did accept the nomination.

There are a series of questions that have been posted by the membership which I am currently trying to answer in time before the Voting phase begins. I will post my answers in this space as I am able.

Election Q&A

@@ In progress @@

Before we get started, let me just say that as an elected Non-Officer Director, my first task will be to clearly define what this position is exactly, what duties does it entail, and what are the expectations of the role. The website is not very clear on any of those details.

1. What sort of Vision do you bring to the table for the future of ADF?
Are there any *specific* problems or goals that you want to tackle? How do you hope to address those problems/goals?

I think we need to continue to apply a critical eye to our core beliefs and methods by which we operate. As the world continues to evolve, we need to evolve with it and ensure that ADF continues to meet the needs of its members while maintaining its core values and vision. It is a tricky balancing act and requires constant vigilance.

2. If you win the position you are running for, what will be the biggest obstacle you will have to overcome? How do you plan to do so?

3/4. Volunteer recruitment and burnout are big problems. Do you have any plans to address either of those issues?

Having a clear vision and being consistent in our messaging and practices will encourage more volunteer involvement. People want to support a system that has clear and defined boundaries and expectations so that everyone can contribute efficiently. Burnout occurs when people take on too much responsibility and are not supported properly. Working within our means will result in more successful projects upon which we can build.

5. What special skills would you bring to the position?

I have been an active member of my local Pagan community since 2000, taking on more leadership roles in the past 10 years. I have helped organize several Pagan conferences with the Canadian National Pagan Conference: Gaia Gathering and I have held a Board position for several years. These projects have taught me how to work well with people, but also how to keep projects in line with its vision and limitations. I am hoping these experiences have brought me some insight that I can share with the MG.

6. How will you contribute to building a culture of consent in ADF?

By taking a strong stance against all forms of bigotry, misogyny, and intolerance, while supporting inclusivity, informed consent, and celebrating what is beautiful. Sharing information is important, but elevating the ideals of taking the higher road in ensure the well-being and safety of all will catalyse this kind of change. Culture is a living, breathing being and it is our responsibility to cultivate it in a way that keeps us all safe and cared for.

7. Were it up to you, where would you take this organization 5 years from now, and how would you get us there?

As a NOD, I would not have that kind of influence. However, I would love to see ADF Canada to flourish to a point with a Canadian Arch Druid could be possible.

8. What other roles have you held within the organization, and what have you done while in them?

This would be my first official position with MG, although I am the Grove Bard for Thornhaven Grove.

9. How will you encourage ways of making ADF accessable to children (with parental consent, of course)?

In my experience, children tend to want to experience Pagan spirituality within the safe spaces of family and close friends. That being said, I would like to see a 16-21 clerical class geared towards the concerns of teens and children (8 yr+).

10. How do you view environmental issues within the context of ADF? What, if any, goals do you have to change the current actions or lack of actions currently present within ADF?

11. How do you view the role of solitary members within ADF and how do you anticipate that role will change over the course of your proposed term?

12. How would you work to make ADF as respected and legitimate as any other church in the USA, and the world.

ADF as an organization needs to reach beyond its own borders and get involved in the non - Druid world, but with an ADF Druid perspective. Not to recruit or to build a brand, but just to be actively involved in community/state/world affairs. We have spent too much time looking inwards and "supporting our own first".

13. Why doesn’t ADF have a family membership plan? 

If families are supporting ADF, then we should recognize that in terms of membership fees and resource distribution.

14. Lately, ADF has been rocked by several 'scandals' for lack of a better word, and frankly, the MG has floundered. If elected, how would you go about navigating the issues facing the organization around bringing more transparency to processes while still responding to crisis in a timely manner?

As a NOD, I don't have this kind of influence. That being said, I believe the recent crisis was handled in a timely manner, especially considering the process that was in place to ensure that everyone was consulted before taking action. People have non ADF jobs, responsibilities, time zones, and time constraints that significantly impact reaction times. 

Also keep in mind that each crisis is relatively unique and if there are no processes in place, reaction time will always be slow and clumsy. We can strive to be better (why not excellence indeed?), but let us not wish for a myriad of tragedies and scandals so that we can practice. MG is doing the best it can with the constraints it has, so let's balance a desire for excellence with a recognition of the complexities involved.

15. In real actions, how would you, if elected, improve on the great job the MG has been doing?

Everyone needs to learn how to do an Arch-Druid impersonation. ;) Bardic magic!

16. I would like to hear the candidates thoughts on strategic planning for ADF. Where do you see us in 10 years? 20 years? How are we going to get there? What are your goals on the MG?

See #12.

17. How would you ensure fair treatment of members regardless of ethnicity, nationality, gender identity, sexuality, or immigration status?

Have representation from each group to speak their needs to MG 4 times a year.

18. How would you look to heal divisions in the organization, bring the organization to a sense of more inclusive wholeness and create a positive vision for all members regardless of wether they are clergy, dedicants, solitaries, old-timers, newcomers, etc. Do you feel that all members are equal?

While I believe all members are equal in terms of their rights and expectations of respect, the investment of time, effort, and office should accord some members more weight. As always, respect must be earned, but having a way to recognize leaders in ADF based on their contributions to the organization cannot be a bad thing. 

19. How do you take feedback and criticism from peers and those you serve?

Excellently. Ask anyone who agrees with me. ;)

20. How do you react to people who disagree with you?

21. In response to the recent allegations against Isaac Bonewits, the ADF Mother Grove unanimously voted to provide (and fund) training for our Mother Grove, Regional Druids, and Clergy in the Consent Culture Course from Cherry Hill Seminary. [...] I would like to see our candidates briefly discuss their responses to this course, specifically regarding how it may inform their leadership decisions.

22. How are you going to improve the communication between MG members?Not with the membership, but between individual members of the Mother Grove.