Tuesday, February 5, 2019

OkCupid Rebellion

Before I kill my Okcupid account again, I've updated it with a Dating profile written from the negative zone with distortions of all the profile clich├ęs I'm sick of seeing:

"I am a highly-frazzled peon working for a heartless corporation destined to bury me chained to my ergonomic desk chair.

I hate laughter (it rings hollow in my what's left of my shattered heart) and having fun is for losers who cannot afford Netflix and a puppy with only 6 months left to live.

I would like to tell you I'm a glass half-full kind of person, but all my glasses are cracked from gripping then too tightly in a hootch-filled rage. Consequently, all my clothes stink of cheap Scotch and poor life choices.

Unsurprisingly enough, I tend to see the worst in every situation because THERE IS SO MUCH OF IT, IT BLOTS OUT THE MOON.

My life is fab, but I need someone to validate it since I'm no longer on speaking terms with my parents (as sentenced by the court). I am looking for a partner in crime, but who is also a short-distance sprinter. This means when we are on the run from the cops, I only need to outrun you. Family and friends are important to me, if only to provide believable alibis.

I love travel, especially to countries without well-documented extradition treaties.

So if any of this sounds interesting to you, re-book an appointment with your therapist and refill your prescriptions. Telling me your troubles may rekindle my love of deep, ironic laughter, the kind that causes children to cry and milk to curdle.

Just kidding. I'm a normal guy looking for love. PM me babe! I'm a catch. "

If anyone wants to copy this to their Dating profile, please do so with my permission.

1 comment:

  1. As of today, the OkCupid profile is dead and I took Bumble off my phone. That wild profile update was there for about a month and it still got no attention. I'm going to focus on living an awesome life instead and discovering the awesome people along the way.